These questions often plague me as I am certain they have plagued many a people who are fighting a seemingly loosing battle against weight loss. The questions are what I like to call the weight loss cycle that I am struggling to break. Eventually.
Honestly, I have a hard tome accepting that I will break the cycle because I have not had any "real success" breaking any of my bad habits that have contributed to my weight loss previously. No matter how many times I have tried. I blame life. I blame circumstance. I blame my cravings. I blame the cookies I hide and eat all alone in the dark out of shame. I blame my love of beer. These are just merely the excuses that I use to hide the real problem.
I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME! I do all of these things even when I know that they will only deter me from my goals. Ultimately I am the one who chooses to constantly start the same weight loss cycle over, and over, and over again. This self-sabotage does not happen right away. I have what I call a 3 week cycle. I can do anything for 3 weeks. I can track my food, exercise, drink my water, and eat healthy for 3 weeks. Then the self-sabotage begins to creep in slowly. I get tired of tracking my food, I want a beer (or two), I want that chili- cheese dog. I don't prep or pack my lunch. Then I blame everything else. I NEVER BLAME MYSELF!
If I were to blame myself, truly, that would mean that I would have to accept that fact that I am a FAILURE! I am NOT a failure though. I graduated as one of the Valedictorians at Salt Lake Community College. I am attending Weber State University. I am NOT a failure...
Finally, I give into my failure and the personal 'fat-shaming' begins. This is a dark place and can last from sometime. This is why I sporadically and without warning fall off the blog-o-sphere. I don't blog during the dark times because then I would have to admit my failure.
This is why I am blogging now. I am beginning the cycle again. Hopefully this is the last time I have to start again. Hopefully. I know my cycle. I know how it works, but all I can do is hope. I know, that is not a very optimistic outlook on the state of things which is hard for me. I am usually the optimistic one. My boyfriend is what he like to say, a realist. I am trying to take up this type of approach to my weight loss. It seems like the times that I look at it as a "glass-half-full" type of situation I fall that much harder. Maybe if I resign myself to being a realist and see that the glass is neither half full or half empty I will be able to not beat myself up so hard when I fall. Here is to beginning the weight loss cycle again and hoping to break it this time. I just have to be hyper-vigilant and realize that after all "to err is human."
