I am not anywhere near close to goal. This journey hasn't been the piece of cake that I thought it would be. The first year it seems like the weight just melted off. I was also very motivated and made sure I was tracking everything I was eating, I was even tracking all of the 'bad' things. I didn't care if I went over my points for the week or day because I was tracking it and that was the most important thing. I miss those naive days. Tracking is important but I have learned that I cannot lose weight if I kept eating whatever I wanted and tracking was not always the savior that I thought it was back then.
Then something inside me changed. I became complacent and loosened up on tracking. I would stop tracking once I hit my daily or weekly allotment. I would not track things I ate because I was feeling ashamed. I let my tracker control my feelings and if I went negative on my points then I felt shame, defeat, and hopeless. I was floundering and I chose not to share how I was really feeling. I became self-conscious and hid my feelings. It was about this time that I stopped posting my weigh ins. I was not wanting to talk about it because I was ashamed and did not want to seem weak. I didn't want those closest to me to know my struggles. I was shame eating and I was choosing to not make choices that were healthy. I was choosing to eat crap and honestly it made me feel like crap.
Christmas of 2016 was my first large slip up. I skipped my meetings, stopped tracking, and ate whatever I wanted. I told myself that it was the holidays and I deserved to be happy. This happiness I equated with food. I let it control me by not being in control of what I was eating. Then with the New Year I rededicated myself to getting back on plan. However, it was harder then I thought it would be. I gained 10 pounds in that two week 'break' and it seemed harder to lose those ten pounds the second time around. I was still determined to follow through and continue on this journey that I had started in March of 2015. I was not ready to throw in the towel. I still wanted this. It was still important; or so I thought.
Then I pulled an April Fool's joke on myself. I went to my meeting on April 1st and that was the last meeting I went to. Until today. That was a whole month of over indulging. I made up excuses for missing my meeting and then allowed myself to overeat and eat whatever I felt like I wanted. This is where I threw in the towel. I stopped everything. I even contemplated cancelling weight watchers. My saving grace was the fact that I went to cancel my membership two days after they had already taken my payment for the upcoming month. I told myself that I should cancel it because I was not feeling like following anything anymore. I had hit my wall and gave up. I even threw out some of my materials because I was done. Done losing weight. Done tracking, Done stressing about what I was eating. Just done! I had given up.
Then I made a choice to start over. I was scarred to death to go face the scale this morning. I was ashamed that people in my meeting would notice that I wasn't there. I was scared to start over. Only I am not starting over. I am merely continuing to fight for the hardest journey of my entire life. I was still not happy with where I was and how I was feeling. If I wanted to change how I was feeling then I had to go back. I had to face the scale in order to know where I was. In order to know the number I was fearing. I almost did not even go because I was afraid of the number. I knew that I was up about 15 pounds and I did not want to know.
I did it. I faced the music and stepped on the scale. I was up and not just a little. I was up a whopping 11.6 pounds. 11.6 POUNDS!!!!! That is alot of weight to put on in one month. If I had given up I would be on track to gain 11 pounds a month. I cannot do that. I want to get to goal. I want to continue this journey and see where it takes me. I want to see what I can accomplish. I wish I knew then what I know now. I can do this and no matter how much I want to give up it is never to late, However, it is easier to just jump back on the wagon and keep on trucking then it is to start over. Here is to continuing my journey and I will check back in next week. I can do this hard thing.
Lets not forget:
Starting Weight: 306.4
Current Weight: 242.0
Current Week:
Total Loss: 64.4
