Weightloss Is A Cycle!

Why is my weight loss journey a never ending cycle? Why can't I just keep doing the things I know need to be done in order to reach my weight loss goal?  Why do I beat myself up for not sticking with it? Why do I just resign myself to being fat? Why start over every few months?

These questions often plague me as I am certain they have plagued many a people who are fighting a seemingly loosing battle against weight loss. The questions are what I like to call the weight loss cycle that I am struggling to break. Eventually.

Honestly, I have a hard tome accepting that I will break the cycle because I have not had any "real success" breaking any of my bad habits that have contributed to my weight loss previously. No matter how many times I have tried. I blame life. I blame circumstance. I blame my cravings. I blame the cookies I hide and eat all alone in the dark out of shame. I blame my love of beer. These are just merely the excuses that I use to hide the real problem.

I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME! I do all of these things even when I know that they will only deter me from my goals. Ultimately I am the one who chooses to constantly start the same weight loss cycle over, and over, and over again. This self-sabotage does not happen right away. I have what I call a 3 week cycle. I can do anything for 3 weeks. I can track my food, exercise, drink my water, and eat healthy for 3 weeks. Then the self-sabotage begins to creep in slowly. I get tired of tracking my food, I want a beer (or two), I want that chili- cheese dog. I don't prep or pack my lunch. Then I blame everything else. I NEVER BLAME MYSELF!

If I were to blame myself, truly, that would mean that I would have to accept that fact that I am a FAILURE! I am NOT a failure though. I graduated as one of the Valedictorians at Salt Lake Community College. I am attending Weber State University. I am NOT a failure...

Finally, I give into my failure and the personal 'fat-shaming' begins. This is a dark place and can last from sometime. This is why I sporadically and without warning fall off the blog-o-sphere. I don't blog during the dark times because then I would have to admit my failure.

This is why I am blogging now. I am beginning the cycle again. Hopefully this is the last time I have to start again. Hopefully. I know my cycle. I know how it works, but all I can do is hope. I know, that is not a very optimistic outlook on the state of things which is hard for me. I am usually the optimistic one. My boyfriend is what he like to say, a realist. I am trying to take up this type of approach to my weight loss. It seems like the times that I look at it as a "glass-half-full" type of situation I fall that much harder. Maybe if I resign myself to being a realist and see that the glass is neither half full or half empty I will be able to not beat myself up so hard when I fall. Here is to beginning the weight loss cycle again and hoping to break it this time. I just have to be hyper-vigilant and realize that after all "to err is human."

Experiencing a Setback

Isn't that how it always works? With my luck it is when one door closes a trapdoor opens. HA! I finally got medical insurance and the first thing I did was schedule an appointment to see a doctor. To make sure that I can workout at the level I need to in order to make these life changes. I was so excited because I thought I would for sure get the go ahead. At least until he asked me about the knee surgery I had back in high school.

I was always active in sports and in high school I got involved in playing rugby. During this time I injured my knee and had arthroscopic surgery to repair/clean up my frayed meniscus. After the surgery I was told to stay off of it for 3 weeks and then complete physical therapy. I also could not play rugby again for a year. This stung the most because I had already missed almost half of the previous season and was going into senior year. Being 17 and invincible there was no way that I was going to miss out on my senior year of rugby. Besides once the surgery was completed that fixed my knee I was golden. Nothing could stop me. Nothing bad would come of it. Right?

Fast forward to 2014 with additional weight. I started this journey to be healthier and recommitted in December 2013. Since the summer is in full swing here in Salt Lake I needed to get my workout on. I needed something that wouldn't require sunscreen also. Last summer I enjoyed water aerobics so I decided to take that up again. This is my first full week back at water aerobics 3 days a week. The only problem is that my knee has been bothering me sometimes in the water. Guess I wasn't invincible when I was 17. Here I am 13 years later and I will be starting physical therapy for a meniscus injury. I am sure that this would not be nearly as bad if I had listened to the doctor at 17. Oh well, I was a dumb kid. HA! Aren't we all? Well I have my first PT appointment on Tues evening and I am hoping for some good news.

Better Late than Never!

Wow! I can't believe June is halfway over already! I had all the best intentions of getting back on an exercise routine, but guess what? You know it! Of course it did not happen the way that I had envisioned it would. On the plus side I have made the decision to start now. I went to water aerobics on Friday and again this morning. My gym offers water aerobics classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I made the decision to go to these three classes every week until school starts again in August. I also found my fitbit and charged it up! Yay! I love my fitbit! It is a big time motivation for me to get up and moving! I got this! Tomorrow will be the start of my once-again weekly posts for weigh-in Wednesdays! I am not worried about what the scale will say! I will totally own it and go from there, no matter what! This is my non-scale victory (NSV)! Scale, you do not own me and you have no power over me!

Graduation Complete!

I did it! I graduated from Salt Lake Community College! I earned my Associate of Science in Criminal Justice. I graduated with High Honors and was also named the 2014 Graduate of Excellence from the School of Applied Technologies and Professional Development. Check out my graduate of excellence profile here and/or check out my Graduation video as well. I know my decision to put off my exercise routine paid off! I know, I know, I should have been super mom, super student, and keep up with my 30 Day Shred Challenge. I didn't, and I am totally okay with that. Now that school is over for the summer I will have the time to do what I need to do and get back to a normal exercise routine!

30 Day Shred: The timing was all wrong!

I know excuses, excuses! I am so good at excuses. What I am not good at is admitting my excuses and holding myself accountable for my choices. This time, honestly, I really did not get the timing right on starting the 30 Day Shred Challenge I had set for myself. Like I said before I am REALLY good at only getting through a few days and then "life gets in the way" as I call it. HA! Here is why the timing was less than perfect. I started my challenge within the last month of spring semester. With all the final papers and projects to do. All the final tests to study for. The banquets and graduation festivities. I told myself it could wait. I really wanted my degree and I made a pact that I would take care of myself this summer before I start at Weber State University this upcoming fall. It was not as much of an excuse, as it was a reality check. I will put my exercise aside and focus on school and making better food choices. Then once Summer started, exercise would start again as well.

30 Day Shred: Day 3! And an Epiphany!

I did it! I completed day 3 before dinner. I found out the hard way that I can not work out late at night. It was hard to get to sleep because of all the endorphins in my body after Jillian Michaels kicked my butt yet again and I still can't get enough.

Today my body was so sore, especially my thighs. I really did not want to take the stairs on campus at all. I did, except to my communication class on the fourth floor, but I did take the stairs down from the fourth floor. There is something about walking down the stairs that feels nice when my thighs are sore.

After school I had a club meeting. On the way home I stopped to pick up some things for tomorrow night's salad dinner. You can't have salad without lettuce! When I got home from the store I put the groceries away and sat down on the couch. It was maybe 10 minutes and I started thinking that I might as well get my workout in for the day now. If I get it done sooner there is less of a chance that I will be able to "excuse" my way out of a workout. It is was too easy to come up with excuses not to do something than it is to do something. That has always been my problem. Procrastination and excuses.

I was sitting here writing this blog post and my boyfriend made the comment that I make the time to workout and to blog about it so why can I not make the time to clean up the house. He is totally right. I hate cleaning the house so it gets put on the back burner. What does that accomplish? Nothing more than pissing me off because yea I put the dishes off, but then I have to spend more time because there is build up. The same analogy can be given for working out and a healthy lifestyle. If you keep putting it off it just leaves you with so much work that you can become overwhelmed with all the work that lies ahead of you. With that, I am adding an element to my 30 Day Shred journey. I will track everything I eat and drink, regardless of what it is. I will workout, except for my planned rest days. I will make sure the house is clean before I go to bed at night and I will be taking this journey 10 days at a time. I got this! I can and will do this!

30 Day Shred: Day 2

It was so hard to complete my day 2 workout today. I can't give up on day 2! I was just working on a paper from my Political Science class and that became my reason not to work out. I kept thinking, "well, I can just skip to day and do it tomorrow." It was one of the hardest things to overcome. Then I remembered my week at the Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge. I survived 7 days of working out 6 hours a day. I remembered how sore I was on Wednesday and that I thought I would literally die if I worked out at all that day. That was my self sabotage. Tonight I really wanted to work out in theory, but I did not have the motivation to get up and work out after completing a 3 page essay. I just had to do it though. I told myself that I would complete the 30 days this time around and I can't just skip a day! Why put off for tomorrow what I can complete today? If I put off the work, then I am also putting off the results as well. I hunkered down and completed my day 2 workout at 10:30pm. Better late than never right? Bring it on day 3!

30 Day Shred: Day 1

I have been thinking about starting 30 Day Shred again. I just have to finish it. I have tried to do it before and I made it a few days here and a few days there. Heck, I have never even made it past level 1. This time I am determined to make it happen. I plan on doing level one Monday-Saturday with a rest day on Sunday. That is 6 days. Then Monday-Thursday will complete level one. Friday will be level 2 with Saturday and Sunday being rest days. Level 2 will continue Monday-Sat with Sunday being another rest day. That is 7 days on level 2. Monday-Wednesday will complete level 2. Thursday-Saturday on level 3 with another rest day on Sunday. Monday-Wednesday on level 3 with a rest day on Thursday and Friday. Due to my community college graduation on May 8. That is 6 days on level 3. Saturday-Tuesday will complete my 30 Day Shred. Day one has been completed. Tomorrow I will measure and weigh myself so I know exactly where I am starting from. I got this!